Monday, 19 October 2015

The struggle of being less than perfect

This is something that I have wanted to write about for a long time. It's scary to open up about all of this stuff and  It's not something that I am writing as a pity party but something that I would like to share to help others suffering through silent disabilities and life's struggles to  make this somewhat of a support and comfort for others so that you don't feel like you are alone in things that are sometimes so difficult to deal with. I believe in building people up with their strengths not knocking them down for their weaknesses. The world is a tough enough place already with the pressure's of life, so I would rather  choose to be kind and make people feel good about themselves no matter what they are capable of.

After everything that I have been through I like to live my life by the motto " live in the moment" that's really all any of us can do because we never know what is coming next. Especially if you suffer from chronic pain and the sorts you can go to bed with the best laid plans for what you want to do the next day but you never know what the next day is going to bring pain wise and you may be bed ridden for the day or days. So sometimes you just have to roll with the punches, know your limitations and do what you can.

I grew up with a pretty normal happy childhood but my adulthood life has been far from what I ever expected for myself. I got married at a young age (which was something that I wanted) to the man who I thought was my soul mate but alas things didn't turn out or go down the road that I wanted it to be with it becoming an extremely mentally abusive relationship that eventually  ended in divorce. Through that marriage we had 5 children together and 3 of those babies were born prematurely (which as a mother even though you know there is nothing you could have done to change that fact still makes you feel like a failure or that your body has failed you in some way).

 I eventually met a wonderful man who is now my husband eventually we started to try for a baby which was also something that was a failure on my part. We had lots of struggles with trying to conceive and did many, many rounds of IVF (we got pregnant once but it ended in miscarriage) Through our time of trying to conceive was when I started getting chronic foot pain and doctors wouldn't believe me when I told them how bad it was and  I started to become very depressed and felt so alone. I got to a point where I felt like I was invisible I stopped going to doctors because none of them would do anything or even cared that I was in so much pain and could barely walk. This foot pain went on for about 4 years before I finally found a doctor willing to do anything and after having a breakdown over it she finally ran some tests and realized that I had a begin tumor in the nerve in my foot which was causing all this nerve pain reaction which is why it was so bad. I also had a severe case of planter fasciitis  which I still live with both of these conditions now along with other chronic pain conditions throughout my body. So between all of the failed IVF and chronic pain I started to isolate myself from friends and family because I was at a point where I felt that I had nothing good to offer to anyone else. I couldn't do things like a normal person and I felt like my body had completely failed me and at such a young age. I started to worry and focus on what my future was going to be like if I was in this much pain now how was I ever going to cope with my future as the pain got worse.

Then just over a year ago I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and can I say this past year has been somewhat of a roller coaster ride but it has opened my eyes up to just how important life is and that life is too short and worth fighting for (even if it doesn't feel that way sometimes) . I have realized that people we meet in our lives are all for a reason and it shapes us in some way the people we are. Some people are there for the good and some people are there for not so good but I have learned that there comes a time in life when you need to walk away from all the drama and people who create it. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good and make you laugh. Forget the bad and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of life but getting back up time and time again is called living. There are always going to be those people you come across in your life who don't notice any of the rough things you are going through but only notice your mistakes and they are the ones to walk away from.

I have been asked many, many times how I managed to go on living after everything that has happened to me and quite simply It's because no matter what I am a survivor not a victim. I try to remind myself of that every day and it helps me to pull myself together. I still have my days  when things are so much harder than other's but the more people I have met through instagram and groups that I am part of that also suffer from chronic pain I have realized that I am not alone through all of this and there are many of us out there that suffer from chronic pain disorders or depression and I want to be able to give back some of the support that I have now found through those friendships. (even though we have all never met the support and love that I have felt this past few months especially from my instagram community has been so amazing and has made me feel like the happier old me that I used to be before all the struggles. ) So if I can do the same for others out there struggling with this thing called life and focus on people's positives and help someone else out and reach out to anybody that is struggling and just say to be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. Reach out if you are having a bad day and need support. Your life is worth living.

All any of us can do is the best that we can. We are not perfect (no body is) and those people in our lives who constantly feel the need to put us down are not worth having in our lives. If you suffer from silent disabilities ( like chronic pain, fibromyalgia, depression and so forth) we have our limitations but there is nothing showing on our bodies that tell others what's actually going on inside so we need to speak up a little more than those people that have disabilities that are obvious. That is something that I am learning to do more and more. I am a people pleaser and like to make or keep others happy over myself but I have realized through my journey that if I am not happy I can't make anybody happy. If I am having a bad flare up of a day then I need to be clear on what I can and can't do because these days people expect a lot and I am not capable of those things and even though you tell people over and over again you can't do it, because you are not in a wheelchair or have something that is obvious to them they seem to forget what you are going through.  So all remember to look after yourselves and speak up when you need to.

It's not about being right or wrong in this tough world, but  I like to view it more on the level about whether this person is the right fit for me. I am a very patient person and I give people loads of chances but I eventually get to a point where I need to sit back and make a call on things and I do this now by asking myself a list of questions. Does this person make me feel happy? Does this person make me feel good about myself or are they always giving me negative feedback? Does this person make me feel the best I can when I am around them or are they trying to bring me down? And if I am feeling that I am constantly being criticized or getting negative feedback and I am losing all motivation due to someone trying to bring me down, then I know it's time to walk away and let go of those people.


And just remember this saying:

"Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth"

When all is said and done:

"I choose happy"

I hope all of my reader's out there are doing well and remember if you need help, reach out to someone. A friend, a doctor, my ear's are always open if you need someone to talk to.
Take care my lovely people and have a great week.